It’s bad again. (Original- No edit)

I knew it was getting bad again.

I knew it was getting bad again when I couldn’t bare to be alone for a second. When the ruinous thoughts consume me, when I need to distract myself with anything at all. The thought of me being inside my own head with these real dark thoughts bring me to my knees.

I knew it was getting bad again when the little green paper overtook, and I spent loads of it on anything to make me feel better. When I wouldn’t even look at the amount, I wouldn’t care, I just wanted what I wanted to feel alive. Spending after spending but only to feel guilt the very next day.

I knew it was getting bad again when meeting a stranger and hooking up was now just a thrill. When making them feel special and like the “only one” for just one night and leaving them behind the very next morning. Not caring about how they feel now, only caring how they made me feel for only an evening. Using my body and my looks to get exactly what I want.

I knew it was getting bad again when one drink turned into ten, and ten turned into a little white friend. My little white friend would turn me into someone I didn’t recognize, but someone I enjoyed being. The feeling of being on top of the world, being able to talk to anyone about anything, the numbness of my lips, the strangely nice feeling of drainage in my throat. Line after line, I become divine. Or at least that’s what my little white friend tricked me into thinking. Only to feel like I deserve nothing the next morning.

-Brooklynn Daugherty

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